The Guide to Building Strong yet Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

When we think of asking someone to “draw a line” in a relationship, we’re often apprehensive that we might come across as rude. It is perceived that boundaries in relationships distance people. However, on the contrary, boundaries are healthy. They keep people in, not out. In any kind of relationship, establishing strong boundaries keeps both the parties safe. It promotes balance and establishes physical, emotional and mental well-being. Whether the person is your partner, parent or friend, boundaries help you decide what’s okay with you, and what’s not. For example, if you’re working from home and you don’t want to be disturbed, you can ask your partner to stay away politely or not interrupt you. By setting boundaries, you can retain a sense of identity and not let anyone intrude your personal space.

Tips to Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries requires self-awareness. It is all about understanding your needs, having a good self-esteem and retaining your sense of identity. You can start by making a list of your core values and beliefs. Ask yourself “what is it that makes you happy” and “why do you deserve to feel safe”?  

Here’s how you can set healthy relationship boundaries:

• Be clear and straightforward. You don’t want any problems to arise later. Also, do not raise your voice.
• Request the person directly about what you’d like rather than what you dislike. Make the conversation sound positive rather than negative.
• If any discomfort arises in the process of setting boundaries, accept it gracefully. If you’re a people pleaser, you’re likely to experience guilt or shame as you don’t want the other person to feel left out.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

• Saying no to plans if they don’t align with your goals/values
• Addressing problems directly with a third party
• Making your expectations clear
• Normalising saying NO
• Communicating your experiences honestly
• Letting your manager know you won’t be responding to an email on weekends
• Turning down a Saturday night outing if you’re saving for an upcoming vacation
• Requesting your parents not to walk into your home any time they feel like

Advantages of Setting Boundaries in a Relationship

• Gives you a sense of empowerment and self-respect
• Ensures you’re not taken for a ride by the other person
• Encourages mature conversations instead of arguments
• Prevents burnout and anxiety in situations where you force yourself to do something only to please the other person
• Separates your wants and needs from your thoughts and feelings
• Keeps your mental and emotional health intact
• Helps you develop a strong identify

Boundaries aren’t just limited to personal relationships. They apply to the workplace too. Did you know? Setting healthy boundaries with your manager or boss ensures job satisfaction too. It helps everyone at work understand what job duties are expected out of whom which can lead to a greater sense of empowerment. If there are no boundaries set at work, it can even reduce the quality of your personal life as you’re likely to take back work home too. If there are blurred boundaries set between your personal life and work, you will feel more emotionally exhausted and will experience less happiness.

Types of Boundaries in a Relationship

In every relationship, there are different types of boundaries. Knowing which boundary applies to which relationship is important.

Physical Boundaries

• “I don’t like it when you touch me that way”
• “I’m not for PDA (public display of affection)
• “I don’t want you to use my bedroom when I’m not there”
• “I need my space when I get back home from work”
• “Please don’t clutter my work desk with your items”

Financial Boundaries

• Requesting your parents not to keep a track of your finances after you move out of their home
• Saying no to spending a large amount of money on a vacation or dinner if it isn’t in your budget
• Letting your partner know that they are responsible for their savings account and you are responsible for yours
• Allowing someone to borrow something but at the same time asking them to return it when they’re done.

Sexual Boundaries

• “I don’t want to have sex today”
• “I’m not OK with you cracking sexual jokes especially in public”
• “I don’t want to get intimate when I’m on my period”

Emotional Boundaries

• “I don’t want to talk about that issue as I am busy with work right now”
• “I won’t take the blame for something that wasn’t my fault”
• “I can no longer tolerate the way you speak to me”
• “I don’t like the way you speak to me in front of your friends”

Time Boundaries

• “I don’t respond to calls or texts after work hours or on the weekend”
• “I would love for you to come home but I already have dinner plans with my family”
• “I won’t be able to make it as I’m not a morning person”

Personal boundaries come in the above forms. However, not every relationship requires you to address every type of boundary. For example, if you’re not married, you’re unlikely to have financial boundaries with your partner. As relationships grow and circumstances change, you will need to adjust certain boundaries accordingly.

Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries

Since we’re discussing relationship boundaries in-depth, let’s have a look at what’s not acceptable or considered unhealthy:

• A romantic partner forces you to be sexual even if you’re not in a mood or are uncomfortable
• If you’re forced to say yes to everything even though it doesn’t align with your goals. You do so only to be accepted by society
• A partner asks you to change your beliefs, values and religion
• Accepting things even when you don’t want them
• Words/actions that take a toll on your peace of mind

If you’re experiencing burnout and anxiety, it’s high time you set boundaries in a relationship. You can only start setting boundaries when you believe that you deserve them. Think of them as a framework and not rigid guidelines. Once you set the tone in a relationship of what’s right and what’s wrong, you will start experiencing a natural form of self-care.