25 questions to help determine if you are happy in your relationship9 minute
Put simply, only you can truly determine how happy you are at any given point in your life. That said, relationships are quite often to navigate through emotionally, regardless of how self-aware you are.
It can become extremely difficult to distinguish between whether you are just having a bad day with your partner or if you have certain persistent feelings of dissatisfaction with them. Have you ever caught yourself stuck in a rut? Do you find yourself spiraling after arguments? Are you happy in this relationship?
Unfortunately, the overwhelming amount of attachment you have towards your partner may lead to you making decisions with a clouded sense of judgment. Keep in mind that staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy will inevitably affect your mental well-being. Try and introspect if you find yourself constantly asking the same questions without reaching a well-defined conclusion.
When it comes down to pinpointing the root cause of all these feelings of unhappiness in a relationship, a good way to gain clarity is by writing down your thoughts. Not only will this help you figure out what’s bothering you, but also determine the course of action that will best serve you in the long run. To begin with, here are 25 questions you can ask yourself. Answer them as clearly and honestly as you can!
1. Am I Being Fair In My Expectations?
Every individual who enters into a relationship has a set of wishes and desires they expect from their partner. It is important to talk about all your needs and wants honestly, and openly. Create that space so that both of you are able to communicate without hesitation. Be flexible about your expectations, and know that it is always better to arrive at a middle ground than arguing relentlessly. Additionally, reach out to other people you trust to provide you with something that a single individual may not always be able to.
2. How Long Have I Been Feeling Unhappy?
It is quite normal for relationships to go through rough patches, but it is the resolution that counts. If you find that you have been feeling unhappy for months, or maybe even an entire year, that probably means that it is more serious than a rough patch.
The reasons for your unhappiness might’ve changed over time, and if there are new problems that crop up soon as the previous ones are resolved, that’s a red flag.
3. Does The Emotion I'm Experiencing Right Now Remind Me Of Anything I've Experienced Before?
Trauma from old relationships, whether romantic or not, take a while to heal. You may feel some sort of anxiety regarding the way your partner shouts at you, or about their ever-growing social circle, or about if they are thinking about leaving you. Take some time to figure out these feelings and if required, seek professional help as healing these traumas is the best foot forward for your relationship.
4. Is My Unhappiness Something I Can Bring Up To My Partner?
No matter the situation, it is imperative that you and your partner are freely able to talk about your feelings. You will mutually experience ups, downs and everything in between that life offers, but being able to talk about your emotions is essential towards a happy relationship. If you feel like there is some kind of blockage when it comes to bringing up your problems to your partner, it is but natural to feel unhappy in the relationship. Bottling up your emotions is a surefire method to eventually experience an explosion.
5. Are There Concrete Changes That Can Be Made To Improve This Situation?
If you find yourself unhappy in your relationship, pinpoint the cause. If, despite being able to have a conversation regarding it, your partner is unwilling to make compromises - then you should maybe reconsider giving something up. The healthiest sacrifice in this scenario may well turn out to be your relationship.
6. Is This Relationship Bringing Out The Best Or The Worst In Me?
Do you constantly feel irritable, anxious, worried, or just unstable in your emotional life? Or, do you find that your partner is there when you need them to be, bringing out the best sides of yourself? A strong relationship allows room for both members to pursue all things the things that each one might seek for their own, personal fulfillment.
7. Do I Feel Happier With Other People?
Consider your happiness on the whole - does it primarily consist of being around people other than your partner, such as family, close friends, etc? It is normal to take time away from your partner, when you’d rather be away from them and spend some time with your buddies. But, if you constantly find yourself craving their company instead of your partner’s, it could be a sign that the both of you might be drifting apart slowly.
8. Do I Want To Be With This Person Tomorrow?
You never know whether or not you will continue being able to grow beside your partner, in the circumstances that might place some amount of distance (emotional or physical) between the both of you. The only thing that you CAN know for sure is whether you still want to wake up next to your partner the next morning. If the answer is no, this becomes an opportune moment to think about what it is that you really want.
9. Have I Given This Enough Thought?
Sometimes, you will notice that certain feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction are temporary and fleeting. These feelings may fade with time, which is why you should be patient with how you display your emotions instead of having a reactionary response to every little rgument that happens. When in doubt, it always helps to talk to someone else you trust - like a close friend or a family member. This neutral third party will bring in a fresh perspective!
10. Am I fully satisfied with my sex life?
Understandably, sex isn’t everything, but it is definitely an important aspect in your relationship. Figuring out your dynamics in the bedroom will help you appreciate discrepancies outside of it, as well. If you feel dissatisfied, being vocal about it, such as by saying “I would love to increase the time we spend on foreplay rather than actually having sex”. Communication shouldn’t ever hurt!
11. Do I feel seen and heard?
This question doesn’t need to be taken in only either the literal or metaphorical sense, but both. If your partner is constantly occupied with other things while spending time with you, such as answering emails, texts, or phone calls, you may end up feeling the brunt of it sooner or later. Once you are able to take the time out to figure out what you are feeling, expressing it to your partner becomes a whole lot easier.
12. Do I feel appreciated by my partner?
Resentment begins when appreciation ends. This is one of the easiest pitfalls to get trapped into in a relationship. Battling with busy schedules, deadlines, rent, children and careers leaves us with little to no time to truly be grateful for our significant other. Vocalize your appreciation in any and every small possible way that you can!
13. Am I comfortable being vulnerable with my partner?
You must be aware of this fact already - vulnerability is your biggest superpower. We often misunderstood this before and believed that strength comes with the absence of vulnerability. In this day, we are able to healthily process emotions and achieve true intimacy in our relationships.
14. Do I fully trust my partner?
Do you often find yourself sneaking glances at an unlocked phone or laptop? Or do you just walk right by it? If you feel tempted, understand that you will be invading your partner’s privacy. Building trust is not a task that can be achieved overnight, but at the same time, becomes a foremost aspect towards the happiness and health of your relationship.
15. Do I laugh regularly with my partner?
In comparison to all the questions mentioned in this list, this one may seem a tad inconsequential. But in order to diagnose the health of your relationship, you definitely need to think a little bit about this question. Are there easy, free-flowing conversations intermingled with laughter? Or do you find yourself forcing it when your partner tries to make a joke?
16. Do I envy my friends’ relationships?
It is never a good practice to compare your relationships with anybody else’s - but sometimes, our emotions get the best of us and we can’t help but feel jealous of those picture perfect relationships. But, the best relationship is one that frees you of any jealousy, doubt or desire to be anywhere else except for where you are currently. If you don’t find yourself envying relationships around you, take that as an extremely positive sign!
17. Do I feel prioritized by my partner?
How exactly does one know if they are ‘prioritized’? Think about it this way - if in case of an emergency, you rang up your partner and told them that you needed them, will they drop everything and turn up beside you? Nothing should come above the mutual well-being and happiness of you and your partner.
18. Do I still learn new things about my partner?
On an average, we end up spending the entire length of our relationships processing information pertaining to our partner. It is a cumulative process and you should technically never reach a stage at which you think that you are “all-knowing”. If you feel like you haven’t learned too much about your partner recently, it may be a negative indicator towards your relationship’s health.
19. Do I value my partner’s opinion?
If you constantly value your partner’s esteem as higher than everybody else’s, you will find yourself highly motivated in your relationships to keep growing and successfully tackle obstacles. You will improve, challenge yourself, and take risks - rather than becoming lazy and devaluing each others opinion. Consequently, both of you contribute towards the happiness of the relationship by making the right amounts of effort.
20. Am I comfortable disagreeing with my partner?
It is normal to have a difference in opinion - but conflicts that arise from them frequently is an entirely different matter altogether. Work with your partner to create an environment that facilitates healthy debate, discussion and disagreement. You will be more likely to voice your opinion when it differs from your partner’s, instead of having to bottle it up and being afraid of honesty.
21. Do I feel loved?
If you don’t feel loved, no amount of communication, couples therapy, listening skills or new sex positions can help change that. If you genuinely feel loved, then you quickly realise that nothing else matters. Reflect upon your relationship and think - do you feel happy at each stage? Do you wonder whether you are more in love now than you were initially? If you aren’t able to muster positive responses to these questions, it is quite likely that your partner is feeling the same way.
22. Do I want to spend time with my partner?
At first glance, the answer to this question is seemingly obvious. But if you look a little deeper inside, and think about your schedule, are there several dinners planned with friends? Or classes lined up that your partner may not necessarily enjoy? Sometimes, all these things happen unnoticed, but it is vital to create that space to spend quality time together - it is indeed one of the most valuable currencies in a healthy relationship!
23. Do I desire my partner?
As you are probably aware already, sex without the feeling of desire is quite meaningless, however robust and enjoyable your routine is. The attraction for our partner tends to wane, along with our moods, and sometimes, it can be hard to stir up that initial excitement. To combat this, a good solution is to experience novelty together. There are certain neurochemicals in our brain that get activated when we try something for the first time, and that rush can often translate into meaningful bonds.
24. Can they keep a secret and not use it as a weapon?
When it comes to new relationships, this might be quite risky a text - because not only does it factor in trust, but it also determines the integrity of your relationship. Be wary of sharing your deepest, darkest, most intimate secrets in the throes of passion, early on in your relationship. It might blow up - but we hope that it doesn’t. Sharing mutual respect thus becomes integral for the happiness of any relationship.
25. Am I excited about the future?
If among all the above questions, you are only able to give an affirmative response to one, we hope that it is this one. Otherwise, it is too bleak a prospect to imagine - if you have gone through this exercise trying to diagnose the health of your relationship without being interested in its future, all your efforts are in vain. While the future is uncertain, it is important to realise that you should feel confident about betting on your partner, no matter what.