How to stop thinking about what other people say

opinion

/əˈpɪnjən/

noun

1.

a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

-"that, in my opinion, is right"

A word that is probably used most but never pondered upon. It is also a word that we take very very seriously. So what really is an opinion? If you ask me, I would definitely highlight the part in the definition that says- “not necessarily based on fact or knowledge”.

Why is it then, that we get so fixated over opinions. I remember being in 4th grade and a girl in my class said, “she looks like a boy, why is she in our line”?. Well that was her opinion, her judgement. Why did it affect me so much? 

Perhaps because we are not taught how to deal with opinions other people hold of us. Judgements people make can have deep rooted impacts on our lives and might affect the relationship we have with ourselves. 

Just like many other human traits that are not very fulfilling, external validation and caring about external opinions is evolutionary and adapted. We might need companionship and human engagement for survival but we can definitely do without the constant fear of letting other people down and the continuous need to live to the opinions of others.

So how does one keep growing without thinking about what other people say?

The question is kinda complicated, difficult to answer even. But I am going to list down things that have worked for me personally and some ways other people swear by! 

Focusing more on yourself

This might seem like the most obvious one but trust me we don’t live by it enough. Focusing on yourself does not mean being ignorant of everyone and everything else. In fact, it is quite the opposite! Focusing on yourself calls for being more attentive and alert about what “you” as an individual want and need. 

Do you need to distance yourself from a friend group that isn’t really contributing to your growth and/or is judgemental? 

Do you need to stop obsessing over your weight and start focusing on strength building?

Do you need to reprioritise some things and people? 

Focusing on yourself is all about asking yourself what you want in order to be at peace. It does not mean detachment from the outer world, but engagement and attachment to the right things and people.You can focus on yourself and still have a friend circle, you can focus on yourself and still be social and outgoing!

The key is to simply step back every time someone/something harms your mental peace or triggers your anxiety.

Self Affirmations

I like to call Self Affirmations, acts of kindness to oneself. Self affirmations are acts that reassure you of your self worth, they remind you of the person you are and affirms self image. 

You can either self affirm by repeating your affirmations loudly every morning, or writing them down. I personally like to write them down first thing in the morning and then read them twice before moving forward with my day. 

Here are some self affirmations that will remind you of your value!

• I am confident
• I am healthy
• I am getting better each day
• I am everything I want to be 
• I am the best version of myself
• I am strong
• I am focused
• I am in control
• I am calm and collected
• Today will be a good day
• Today I will finish everything on my to do list
• Today I will be kinder to those around me
• Today I will do better than I did yesterday

Self affirmations can be a great start for your day and give you a sense of motivation to complete all your tasks in hand in the best way possible and without the fear of judgement from other people.

Constructive feedbacks help in the long way

Want to get something reviewed (say your work or an important decision) but don’t want the feeling of being judged? We’ve all been there. Instead of focusing on how everybody will react to your work/decision, the simplest way is to have your closest friend review it for you beforehand.

The thing about having one good and honest friend/accomplice/family is that they will always push you in the right direction without judgement. So even if your work is not your best or the important decision you want to make seems risky, that one friend will always give honest and constructive feedback which will help you fix those things. The process only includes you reflecting back and fixing anything if needed. 

Judgement free and growth oriented!

You can not please everyone

More than a tip, this is a reminder. Something I want each of you to repeat to yourself constantly. I have been a textbook people pleaser for more time than I can remember. If there is one thing that has helped me grow and be more secure is unlearning. I agree it is difficult for some people to just say “no” but it might be the best option for you. The more people you please, the higher the chances of their opinions affecting you. 

Understand that you are your first priority and you are not living your life to please others. The quicker you learn this, the easier it will be for you to dismiss what others think. Learning might be an important part of life but unlearning is essentially crucial!

Learning and implementation can be very different and even difficult. Trying to gradually include these steps in your life is probably the right way to go. I have been consciously trying to focus on myself more for the past 2 years and the results are quite satisfying. The growth I notice in myself makes me want to do more of the things that I love and care a little less about what other people want!

To end with, here are some beautiful lines that highlight everything I have tried to explain perfectly and are written by one of my favourite authors:

“If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist.