Why Moms lose their own friends circle?

By Samyati Mohanty

Friendships during your adult period sometimes feel like they'll last forever. Your social circle has grown over time, with lasting ties formed over cocktails and the inevitable shared hangover, house moves, marriages, breakups, and endless hours of intense discussion about the merits of a good book and a lousy reality TV show.

But, just when you and  your chosen family thought you were safe, a new test of friendship arrives: you have a baby.

You make new acquaintances, make old ones, and find the "unicorns."

To begin with, everyone comes. Everyone is aware that you are unable to leave the house. Everyone understands why you have to change your plans. "You've got a new baby." No, don't be concerned about it! We're going to come to you! "You tell us when," she says. They arrive with food, gifts, and drink. They cuddle the baby before leaving, promising to return soon.

You receive a few of these house calls, and then it's been a few months. You've had the baby immunised and are making plans for coffee dates. They're still quite understanding when you leave the house. It's all OK if you're late. It's fine if you have to adjust your schedule to accommodate napping and nursing. It's fine if you prefer to stay at home.

Things are regular when you meet up at the nearest cafe to your house; they hold the baby while you inhale your coffee. When your kid starts grizzling, they only make the tiniest of grimaces before replacing it with an indulgent smile and gladly handing your child back to you.

Around nine to twelve months, you may realise that the novelty has worn off for some of your pals. (It's the novelty of YOU having a child.)

Their lives are getting back to normal. That is not the case with yours.

They become increasingly perplexed as time passes and you continue to be unavailable.

"Oh, you can't do anything from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.?" (Because it's naptime.)

"That's strange. Isn't she supposed to sleep in the pram?" (Don't even get me started.)

They still make arrangements between the hours of 10 a.m. and 2 p.m.

You are no longer invited. You'll never be able to go anyway.

They make fewer phone calls, request fewer visits, and send fewer texts.

It is, after all, a two-way street. Although having a child does not excuse you from making an effort with your friends, it does indicate that your priorities have shifted. Luxuries such as eating lunch at 1 p.m. or dinner at 7 p.m. are no longer available. Feeling rested, sane, and getting a regular pedicure, for example.

And, yes, it's fine if people don't understand. Some people do not have children, and others dislike them. Some people have never been around them and have no idea what they're like or how they work. Some friends simply do not understand how to adjust your friendship parameters to accommodate changes in your daily life.

It's a pity, but maybe they'll understand in the future. You might be  able to start up where you left off in three to five years, when your child isn't teething, day sleeping, or potty training, with lunches in the middle of the day and meals after 5 p.m. Maybe you'll just drift away, and you'll be remembering your mother's advise from high school, when she told you that some friendships don't withstand the distance.

As painful as it is to lose friends during this time, you nearly always make new ones. After having a kid, you develop new and unlikely pals.

There's the Mothers' Group women you'd heard were far too intense and potentially unstable in the past. Work colleagues (with whom you were close at the office but worried it wouldn't "work out" in real life) who have a kid around the same time as you. You'd never spoken to your next-door neighbours since they seemed way too put-together for a family of three. Suddenly, there are new individuals with whom you bond OVER your children, but you discover that you have more in common than that: you truly enjoy them as people.

They are conversant in your own tongue. You talk about Leaps and child care subsidies. You shout over your children's heads and then roll your eyes in unison as they all insist on sticking their fingers in every cup and dish on the cafe table. You eat a lot of food (typically what the kids haven't eaten or trashed) and go to parks, libraries, and each other's houses, and you quickly become at ease straddling that strange zone that you occupy as parents pulled together by young children who appear to govern your entire life. These new acquaintances could lead to lasting friendships.

We've finally arrived at the "unicorn."

Friends you had before the baby who "understand" it. Whether or if they have children: They understand it!. They still come to see you when your baby is no longer a baby but a toddler, take the toddler off your hands, clean the dishwasher without asking, and let you talk about your kid for two hours even though it's the last thing you want to do.