Women as Decision Makers to be child-free

By Sofia Chand

We were sitting in our usual place, outside Andheri station, both silent, enjoying each other's company and watching the hustle around us. Rickshaws hooting, cars honking, buses trying to make their way to their stops amidst the sea of vehicles refusing to move in front of them. People all around us were moving at such a fast pace, like as if the world was about to end and they were running for their lives. I see a parent trying to tag his son along, forcing him to go wherever it is that he had to go in this scorching heat.

At that moment it struck me! This would be a good time to discuss a very important decision that has been on my mind for a long time.

I nudged him and said, “You know I have had this thought many times and always wondered how will I be able to say this to my partner. But with you I know I can speak freely. I don't want to have a child”. That's it! That easily I just blurted it out and I could feel my gut wrenching in that fractional pin-drop silence. Then with surprised eyes, he looks at me and says “Whoa! I was gonna tell you the same thing! I am totally with you on this." At that moment I realized how lucky I was! 25 years have passed since that day and not a single day have we regretted that decision. 

But the point is, when I look back today I wonder what would I have done if my partner had not supported the thought of being a double income no kids (DINK) couple. Would I have had the courage to stand up for that decision? Would I have given up? Never mustered the courage to even speak about it? 

I think most women would just go ahead with what the husband wanted even if it was not what they wanted. Why do you think this happens? I see two things at work here and the husband himself is definitely not one of them.

Conditioning - In a way, it is also brainwashing. Right from our early days, we are taught what a girl is expected to do, how to behave, what is your limit, and what are the decisions that apparently only your husband can take. We are also taught about the supposedly normal life progression - schooling, graduation, marriage, children, etc. This is one of those things which is not part of normal life. Everyone is supposed to have children! If you even mention something like this, the first thing your neighbors, your family, your friends would say is "like as if it's upon you to decide" or "you will never find a partner who will agree to that". And then they would go on to explain how it’s important to have children and that this is how life progresses and you will regret this decision later, etc, etc. I know this from personal experience! And that is definitely brainwashing 101. This is not how it’s meant to be. You must follow the "normal" course of life.

Habituated to oppression - I think no matter what we become or what achievements we have, mentally we are habituated to being the oppressed lot. Well, the word oppression may sound a bit exaggerated to you, but I feel it is apt because this thought occurs in each and every one of our minds. We are so used to being told what we can or cannot do that we inhibit ourselves. You are a girl, you cannot lift heavy weights, or even if you are working you are still solely responsible for running the house or you are expected to take a break from your career to take care of the child and the examples are countless. The point is we allow that to happen.

So this brings me to the main reason I am writing this. Ask yourself right now. Am I capable to take such a big decision myself? Will I be able to take the lead in such a decision? 

I say why not? 

The few things that helped me take this decision was 

• I did not worry about meeting people's expectations of what my life should be like or what they would think of me
• Envisioning a life dedicated to a child's growth was not my piece of cake and I had to stand up for it.
• Making sure I had my partners buy-in well in time to avoid any future discord

Whenever you get thoughts such as I can't do this, it's not normal, how can I say this as a woman, ask yourself WHY NOT? Break free from the shackles that tell us what is normal, ignore external pressures, and just do what you want and is in your best interest

The decision to be child-free could be either way. You want to have a child but your partner doesn't or you don't want to have a child but your partner does. Whatever your reason may be for staying child-free, remember you don't have to validate it. Just have the confidence to decide and steer your life towards that decision. If you regret the decision later, well see to it later. But at least it was your own decision. I got lucky to get a partner who agreed with me but that’s a rare occurrence. But what will you do? Tell me in the comments below.

Have you checked out the third blog of the series yet?: #WhyNot Deciding to be Single Or Alone, is a Woman's Choice